Okay. Resolutions. Let’s start the New Year a month early.
Right now I’m sitting on my bed with my old kitty curled up in my lap. Typical crazy-cat-lady moment, no?
Poor baby has a tumor in her mouth. It can’t be removed without cutting away a large chunk of the jaw. So the vet told me to keep feeding her, keep taking care of her the best I can . . . then bring her back when she can’t eat anymore.
I’ve always known I couldn’t keep her forever, but forever used to seem so much farther away.
Focus. Got to focus. Writing goals. I want to get back to posting on this blog. Regularly. Two or three times a week. I want to read more and write book reviews. Edit a bunch of poems I wrote in October and November and self-publish them as a collection. Maybe even work on some of my novel ideas now and then.
I want to be a real writer . . . in theory. In practice, I lack discipline. I make excuses. I procrastinate. I find other things to do.
In some ways it sounds silly, and maybe I’m just making more excuses, but I think anyone who’s ever loved a pet would understand. It’s been so hard to write the past couple weeks.
I set a goal to write one humorous poem a day for the entire month of November. Actually stuck with it pretty well for the first twenty days. Then my old girl went to the vet, and suddenly, nothing seemed funny anymore, and either I couldn’t find the words, or I couldn’t will myself to try. I ended up with 22 poems for the month. Most of them weren’t even that good.
By now, it’s late Saturday night, December 2nd. This morning, as she snored contentedly in my lap, I wanted to freeze the moment. Keep her there with me in some happy, comfortable place where pain and sadness don’t exist.
But time tumbles on, and Saturdays never last long enough, and besides . . . after an hour or so, my legs were going to fall off if I didn’t move them.
It’s funny though. The same old cat who’s made it so hard to write lately is the one who inspired this post . . . and the one who sat on my lap long enough to make me start writing it.
And even now, Sunday morning, December 3rd, she’s back in my lap again . . . making me finish it.
So what are my resolutions? To survive the holiday season while still finding a way to write. To discipline myself no matter what life throws at me. To write more blog posts, even if there’s no kitty to sit on my lap and make me write them.
And to find a way to appreciate every moment of every day . . . whether happy or painful, boring or frustrating. Because each moment dissolves quickly into the next, and no matter how many times I fail at being a real writer, I can keep trying because time doesn’t stop with my failures. Each new moment is a new opportunity.
And, though I can’t freeze this moment with my sweet kitty, I can appreciate every moment I have left with her. And then, I can lock them away in my memory . . . the one place where, God willing, I can truly keep her with me.